My husband loves watching Eurovision. I generally sit there bemused but I do enjoy Graham Norton’s savage commentary. The crazy outfits and eccentric people never cease to amaze me. What are they going to surprise me with this year? I’m writing this as I watch it and writing my thoughts because by the time I get to the end I’ll have forgot who anyone was. Thought I’d do this today rather than stare at a wall like I did yesterday. Something to focus on. I know I’m a day late to the entire thing but I haven’t got social media at the moment so I don’t know who’s won yet so for me it’s like it’s live. Here are my thoughts:
The hosts are weird as usual. Overly joyful. Standard good looking guy and girl. And two extras. Have to make sure you represent! The blonde woman’s dress is like someone had a project runway task to do something with shape. They always do that asymmetrical shoulder. And the plus size woman looks great but I can’t help feel sorry for her later on when she comes to scrub all that glitter off. She’s going to be wearing part of that outfit for a long time yet. And that half suit half skirt thing the other woman is wearing. What a mess.
1. Cyprus – You don’t get more votes for your lack of clothes love. Just reminds me of a budget Miley Cyrus. Canny beat but that’s all it has going for it. Was impressed she could do a crab though, haven’t been able to do that since Primary school.
2. Albania – So this ones clearly trying to be Beyoncé. She has got the thighs to back it up though. And she can actually sing. I mean she’s no Beyoncé but decent effort. I liked the shake your hips kind of vibe.
3. Israel – What the fuck is that on her head? It’s like she’s been caught up in some electrical cables on her way in. The song itself is quite catchy. Has a modern fresh feel. This is my favourite so far.
4. Belgium – She really reminds me of a young Lulu. Just in appearance. I feel it’s quite a depressing song for Eurovision but the mood I am in I can appreciate the lyrics. I appreciate the dark and moody vibe. Not sure the rest of the world will. People are actually playing instruments too instead of a synthetic boom boom beat.
5. Russia – What the fuck? Like a fat suit babooshka doll. She’s sliding round the stage like the exorcist. Oh wait she’s stepped out of a door in the dress. Impressive. Now she’s in some kind of prison get up. I like it she’s representing the oppression and lack of tolerance in Russia. Powerful message. Putin ain’t gonna like this burn your bra and pro gay attitude. She’s like a woman scorned ready to burn the world down for change. Love it. Russia does need this message out there. As you can tell I’m a strong ally.
6. Malta – Someones trying her best to be Nicki Minaj. Another song about a woman pissed off at a man. And how she’s going to be a fierce independent woman now. Boring. Especially coming after the last song with such a powerful and relevant message. I will acknowledge that she does have some lungs on her. Powerful voice.
7. Portugal – Hello Cowboy! He’s dressed like somebody I’d meet in a bar in the game Red Dead Redemption. He has a very nice quality to his voice. It’s a nice song but it’s very slow and mellow.
8. Serbia – Loco loco alright. Like the worst 3 of the Pussycat Dolls rejects. I mean I can appreciate they can slut drop for daaays. But that’s about it. I mean if they had of done a death drop at the end they might have scored points but no, not for me. Just a clubbing vibe with no substance.
9. UK – Well what can I say? There’s just nothing about it that stands out. Very predictable. I still feel we should have had UK Hun? by the cast of RuPauls Drag Race. Get our best drag queens up there with the catchiest song that’s ever been. That’s the only way we would ever stand a chance. I do feel sorry for this guy though. He looks so happy and hopeful and it’s just not gonna happen mate. I won’t be shocked if we get nil point. It’s certainly not the worst up to now though. I hope he gets a least a few points for his self esteem but I feel in my heart this won’t happen. I hope he doesn’t have a breakdown after this.
10. Greece – Quite an energetic song. The invisible dancer thing is quite cool and different. Her outfit though reminds me of Anne Hathaway in Roald Dahl’s, ‘The Witches’. I think it’s the purple gloves. You could dance to this but it’s just similar to so many other songs it doesn’t stand out.
11. Switzerland – His vocal range is amazing and I mean he can hit notes no guy with balls should be able to. There’s an energy to this song that has given me goosebumps and I can’t tell you why. I can’t even say what the song is about. I think it’s just the force of voice alone.
12. Iceland – They look like Band Camp. Like Iceland found some geeks in a basement somewhere, stopped their game of Dungeons and Dragons and said you’ll do. It’s the matching sweaters with their faces on as well. Like their grandma put them up to this. I cringe for them. Song about positivity and everything is so cheerful and they’re so smiley bless them and it’s nice and all but cheesy as fuck. Not my cup of tea at all.
13. Spain – Based on appearance alone he looks like an absolute fanny rat. He knows he’s good looking. His pants are distractingly tight. I haven’t seen pants this tight since Olivia Newton John was stitched into hers in Grease. Standard ballad. Good looking guy sings song with all his heart while looking like he’s the sweetest thing ever. Oh Jesus, he’s just hit the highest note ever and this explains fully the lack of bulge in his pants.
14. Moldova – Another Beyoncé inspired bodysuit. I have this fake seductive voice I use on my husband when I’m taking the piss and she’s got that down to a tee except she’s deadly serious. That low husky not sexy at all voice. There is nothing in her eyes. Like that Real Housewives of Orange County medicated look. Bog standard. Not for me.
15. Germany – What the fuck? There’s someone dressed as a hand? Imagine spending your entire night dressed as a hand that yes in one way means peace with two fingers sticking up but when she turns round she’s flipping the whole room off. This is the first time I’ve cracked a smile in days. It’s like a song you’d get on CBeebies. It’s so chirpy and happy but for me it’s the lass dressed as the finger, flipping everyone off repeatedly and unwittingly. Very amusing. When she puts her arm down it’s the lone middle finger left and that has but one meaning. Hilarious. Ooh they’ve started tap dancing like Annie. That’s cute. This is the same country that brought us one of the best bands ever, Rammstein right? It’s like falling into a parallel dimension.
16. Finland – YESSSSSS! Fuck yesssss! Heavy metal, middle finger up in the air. Long haired beautiful men. My favourite so far and I feel this might be my winner completely. Ticks all my boxes. No surprise, all my favourite bands come from Finland, (Nightwish, HIM, Apocalyptica to name but a few). Might have found a new one to listen to. Yes boys blow the bastard roof off. They have guy-liner on and that just melts me. This is the best I have seen since I jizzed my pants the year Lordi walked out onto stage with ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’.
17. Bulgaria – Lovely voice, very nice quality to it that reminds me of Birdy and its a song about her dad dying of Motor Neurone Disease slowly. It’s making me quite upset. Total respect to her, that must be very hard to sing about. I’ve got goosebumps. Probably my second favourite of the competition so far. Bless her I just want to give her a cuddle. I bet her dad is so proud of her.
18. Lithuania – He reminds me of someone. It’s quite catchy this actually. Not sure about his dance moves though. Especially the move I’ll describe as the chicken. Or the yellow outfits. Louie Spence! That’s who he reminds me of! Shame he can’t dance like Louie though. Nobody could be that fabulous though. Doppelgänger alert!
19. Ukraine – It’s like yodelling but it’s not and she’s dressed like Orville. It is strangely intriguing. I don’t dislike it. Its like if the lady from Shakespeare’s sister joined a tribe and was chanting at the ritual sacrifice of a goat whilst high on herbal remedies dancing round a campfire. It’s picked up and not gonna lie, I’d join her dancing round the campfire. Kind of makes me want to Cossack dance.
20. France – Beautifully delicate. Incredible voice. Voila! Voila! Voila! Edith Piaf? Reminds me of that. I understand French, and what a lovely song. ‘Look at me, before I hate myself’ ‘Look at me or at least what’s left of it’. I think this has moved up into my favourites. Very controlled and emotional. Job well done.
21. Azerbaijan – Oh look it’s budget Ariana Grande. I can imagine belly dancing to this. It’s got this move your hips in a seductive way vibe. They aren’t doing that controlled movement though. That would require skill. I like the music just not the words. Mata Hari, the songs title, was a Dutch woman, an exotic dancer in fact, who was imprisoned for being a German spy in World War One. There is nothing exotic or intriguing about their dance moves. I can see that on a Friday night in any nightclub. Desperate women grinding against men for attention. Nah, not for me.
22. Norway – What the hell? I can’t decide if he’s Elton John in Rocketman or Will Ferrell in that film about the Eurovision. I really like the words in the song. Fallen Angel. I just think the staging and costume takes away from it. It’s very 90’s boyband sound. I feel the words put with a different sound would be more powerful. Kudos to the guy for putting himself out there about his mental health struggles though and for being authentically himself. It’s brave. Can’t really take it seriously though.
23. Netherlands – I fucking hate man cleavage. Put a shirt on lad or be totally bare chested. One of the guys has a grey suit on with stitching that makes me think at any point the Avengers are gonna burst in and someone’s gonna shout ‘Wakanda Forever’. It’s very similar to Black Panther outfits. I do like the song itself though. You can’t break me. I like they’ve sung parts in another language. It’s a good message. I like the African beat in the background. Once again, the costume department wants fired.
24. Italy – Hello there! Guy-liner again. Aren’t you a dish. I quite like this. He has that husky rock voice. It’s a heavier sound. Reminds me of the guy from Prodigy. I can see myself blasting this. Song kicks ass. That’s how you do it! Just spotted the long haired one in the band, the drummer, absolute god. Fit as fuck. One of my favourites. The girl in the band is kicking ass too. Reminds me of Suzi Quatro in that jumpsuit. Get em girl! Hell yeah. Nobody has beat Finland for me yet though. This is a very close second!
25. Sweden – They have made this guys suit out of a bridesmaid dress I swear. It’s that shiny fake satin. Might have been from my bridesmaid dresses. It’s the same colour. He’s got a really nice voice and the lyrics have a nice message. Yeah this is okay. It’s quite catchy. He’s done a decent job. It won’t win though.
26. San Marino – Half Cleopatra, half Turkey then takes it off to reveal that Sia hairdo. Adrenalina? Her eyes are so wide eyed. I’m not sure she’s just on Adrenaline. It’s the eyes of a Bipolar manic person who’s been given Valium accidentally and is now on the moon. If she gets through this song without. a nip slip I’ll be shocked. She has not got her girls under control tonight. They are desperate to escape. Hang on, why is Flo Rida here? Isn’t he super famous. Is that allowed? Surely that’s going to gain popularity for this song based on his fan base alone? Standard clubby sound. Meaningless bop bop.
The interval. The woman who’s singing Bulletproof. Absolutely murdering it. Not even close to the notes she needs to hit. I can sing it better, genuinely. I mean it’s a hard song but you have a whole world of singers to choose from. I did enjoy highlights of the past. My two all times favourites are Lordi ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’, the ones who looked like monsters and did something really different to what we’ve seen before and Ruslana ‘Wild Dances’, the one who looked like Xena the Warrior Princess.
Results. The blonde host has changed her dress! Another asymmetrical shoulder. Stick with what you know! Graham Norton is on point tonight. I live for the shade. I like watching them calling in. Watching the politics play out. Let’s vote for our border countries. I’m like mystic Meg when it comes to votes. I know who’s going to get what based on Geography alone.
I am genuinely shocked at the public votes this year. Some people getting absolutely zero. I felt a little pain in my heart for James from the UK. Nil point. I mean I had a feeling but he kept his smile and looks like a genuinely nice bloke so I felt sad for him. Wanted to give him a hug. I can’t imagine how it feels to basically feel like nobody in the entirety of Europe likes your song. And Germany missed a trick. Your dressed as a finger right? You get no public points. I’d sit and flip the whole place off me. 🖕Fuck you! How the flying fuck is Iceland doing so well? I am shooketh! Their grandma will be proud.
At this point, I know my favourite Finland isn’t going to win. They are still my personal winner. Italy my second fave looks strong though! It’s out of Italy and France here and both were good but I want my gothy lads to win. Blow the roof off again. Tense. Let the heavy rock win. Pleaseeeeeee….
YESSSSSSSSSSS! Finally some fucking justice in the world! Well deserved!FANFUCKINGTASTIC. And now I get to watch them again. Beautiful specimens of man. ROCK AND ROLL NEVER DIES 🤘😍. Below are my two favourites.