Gaslighting

Let’s talk about gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It’s the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity.

Have you ever sat there and had someone blatantly lie to your face about a situation that has occurred? They can either say ‘that never happened’, an effort to make you feel like you are the deceitful one, to question what you know to be true. They can also state that things have happened that simply have not. They can make up entire conversations or interactions. They may deny what they have said to you previously or twist the truth beyond belief. Actions will not match words. Do not be fooled. You know what the truth is. NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF.

Another form of gaslighting is where you are told your feelings aren’t allowed or you are told how you should feel. ‘You shouldn’t feel that way’. It can also be complete dismissal of your emotions, trivialisation of those feelings or punishment for having feelings. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL.

You can confront a gaslighter but it’s often a waste of time and energy. They will not give you the admission you want. They will not apologise. There will be more manipulation and often guilt tripping. ‘How could you think that of me when I’ve been so good to you?’. The best thing to do is limit the interactions you have with that person, better still avoid all interaction. If that is not possible, never talk to them alone. Always try to have a witness or be in a public setting. Do not give them that power over you, it will be used against you.

I’ve tried the method of questioning them. Asking for specific examples or dates things occurred and often because what they are claiming to be true, isn’t, they often fumble, cannot give examples and try to shut the conversation down quickly or change subject. They will also struggle to look you in the eye and look down in many cases. The eyes never lie.

When they know you are onto them and are no longer under the spell, the next step begins. They will try to turn people against you, make people believe you are crazy, make people believe you are the bad guy. The slow but steady social exclusion. It’s hard to prove but very real and mentally damaging. Once again, it’s best to get out of that environment. You could gather evidence and fight to prove yourself but it’s very draining to do so and from personal experience, it’s not worth it.

The best thing to do is to acknowledge to yourself that you are worthy, you are sane, you are allowed your feelings, the problem is with them, that is their karma. When your conscience is clear, it’s easier to walk away and move forward. You know the truth and what you deserve. You are also allowed to feel hurt by someone’s manipulative actions too, especially if you maybe didn’t recognise the toxicity at first and thought they were a decent person. You were fooled. Don’t stay in that place of hurt though. It’s their loss and you don’t need people like that in your life.

I’d like to say I’ve only experienced this once in my life but unfortunately, there’s more gaslighters out there than you think! I suppose one good thing is now I can identify red flags and warning signs pretty quickly and I never fully trust anyone until they have proven themselves to be consistent and truthful. I watch actions not words. I also am a strong believer in listening to my gut. It’s rarely wrong about people.

It wasn’t wrong this time either! I still however, will always be shocked at how people can sit and lie straight to someone’s face without blinking or second thought. I just can’t fathom it. Just be truthful, no matter how ugly, no matter the politics, be kind and be authentic. At this rate I’ll be adding snake handler onto my list of qualifications on my CV there’s so many of them out there to deal with! Fuck sake!

Moving On Up!

New house, new bed, new furniture, new pyjamas. It’s been a long project, many delays, lots of stress and breaks due to depression along the way but I’ve finally made it. I’ve moved. It’s one large item off my plate so I’m hopeful being in a calmer environment, making my new rooms as tranquil as possible, being able to keep an eye on nana better and halving my housework by only having the one house to clean now is going to have a positive impact on my mental health.

I’m proud of what I’ve done. The decorating, the flatpack building, the little bits I’ve added along the way. I’ve made my vision a reality.

It started with driftwood laminate, teal feature wall and light grey for the other walls.
A new bed, and new matching furniture that I built myself. One of my skills in life is building flatpack!
Got a little shoe rack to keep things neat and tidy, put a rug down and found a lamp to match the geometric design bedding! Got to love a B&M bargain!
Pretty paper to jazz up the boring wood shelves and the backboard of the chest of drawers. It’s scented too so my whole room smells amazing!
Got the lovely velvet feel blackout curtains up and my new light shade sphere. Finally moved the TV over too!
Put little things around that are meaningful to me. I especially love the Lego Star Wars frame we got for our wedding off my friend.
A new room wouldn’t be complete without some new pyjamas to relax in! These are so cute!

My husband is a teacher so the study room also got done up. We get lots of natural light in that room and it overlooks the garden so I think it’s a really peaceful room. We have a few squirrels in the garden now so it’s cool to watch them too! I have a wonderful picture of Bamburgh castle at sunrise that my friend took and gave us for our wedding so that’s to go up in the study room above the desk at a later date.

An organised desk and a comfortable chair for max productivity! Note the R2D2 box under the desk. I handmade this for our wedding as a post box and it’s been recycled into a waste paper bin! I couldn’t part with it!
My husband has so many books for school we needed the massive bookcase! It was a sod to build! You can’t see it well but that’s a RuPaul coaster for a bit of style!
Yes, I love teal.
Nana’s cat, Thomas is getting used to us being here all the time.

Me and Nana are having a girls night tonight. Pyjamas, Disney channel, hot chocolates and snacks and the husband is getting kicked out of the living room!

Nana is way happier and seeing her more relaxed and settled is boosting my spirits too. This house just has a calm feeling and I hope to have many happy years here and eventually raise a family here. This is Gibson Family HQ from now and forever!

My fave photo. My world and my Queen ❤️

Sweet Dreams!

So after yesterday’s bedtime drama, no apology from the husband, I thought fuck you.

I’m moving into Nana’s when I have the energy to pack my house up and I have a brand new bed at her house with brand new bedding. Tempur mattress and pillows. I packed a bag, and have quite literally fucked off.

I am now in my new bedroom at Nana’s and it’s complete silence and it’s blissful. I will sleep tonight in peace and comfort and I am going to starfish the fuck out of this kingsize bed and enjoy every restful minute. I’m tempted actually to not go back to my own house.

Naturally the husband has been texting all the apologies and sending love you gifs and pictures and trying to get me to go back home but I’m playing hard ball. Tonight I am staying here there is no compromise. I need this. He can sweat some more. Maybe he might take my need for sleep more seriously in future!

Sweet dreams! 😴

Snapped

My sleep has been terrible lately again. Just constantly have the cold sweats of anxiety. My body in fight or flight. I’ve done everything I can to calm down. Meditation. Singing. Breathing exercises. Walks. The usual. Then when I do get tired and calm down to the point I could switch off, the husband snores his head off and I require complete silence to nod off. So I end up having to get back up before I suffocate him with a pillow.

I went to bed at 8pm tonight after not sleeping last night. Deliberately early so I could get to sleep before the husband. I managed 2 hours. The husband made no attempt to be quiet coming to bed and woke me up despite my last words being, be quiet do not wake me up, I desperately need a good sleep. I have just flipped my lid.

He knows I’m depressed. He knows I haven’t been sleeping. He knows his snoring doesn’t help matters. Does that absolute bellend consider any of this though? No. So long as he gets sleep, fuck me. He didn’t even apologise or anything though which made it worse. He’s not once offered to get up to sleep on the sofa either so I can get at least one fucking decent night of rest. So I had a rant, called him a fucking prick and turned over and tried to get back to sleep. And then the fidgeting and snoring started. Back into fight or flight I went.

My heart started racing. I could hear my heart beating loudly in my ears. The cold sweats started again. The sense of absolute rage building. I flew up and out of the bed screaming my head off and I’ve punched a hole in the bedroom door. And to be honest he’s lucky I haven’t punched his skull in. I felt like She-Hulk, I could have ripped the headboard clean off the bed and smashed him to pieces with it. I’m THAT mad. I JUST WANT TO SLEEP!

It’s also not helpful when he quips ‘well you’re not at work, sleep through the day’. That’s not the fucking point mate. I’m off for depression. I am trying to get better which is made harder by lack of sleep because that just exacerbates everything. It’s no good sleeping all day and being up alone all night with my thoughts. I need the daytime to access the support systems I require and to do my self care routine.

So here I am, on the sofa again, furious. Watching ‘Snapped’ in the background, which is a true crime show about wives murdering their husbands and you know what, I’m starting to sympathise with some of these fuckers. You got sick of him and his bullshit, you snapped, you lost it. I can fully appreciate how that could happen. If I didn’t remove myself from that room, I could well have made it onto a future episode! Maybe I’ll get some fucking sleep in my jail cell.

There’s also the really spiteful nightmare side of me who wants to bang about down here, make lots of noise because if I can’t sleep, and you affect my sleep, why the fuck should you sleep? See how this feels. See how it feels to not sleep hardly ever. Like you are the walking dead. What it’s like to have another person keep you awake when you so desperately want to knock out them Z’s. I am really trying to ignore those vindictive thoughts though because although I feel it would be more than justified and a suitable revenge, it’s not really going to help matters. He’ll get up mad too, there’ll be a massive argument and I’ll end up smashing the living room to bits, probably launching something at his head, so best he stays up there and I stay here.

Tomorrow night won’t be like this, that’s for sure. This stops NOW. That bed is mine. He can sleep in the fucking garden for all I care. He can leave completely. I need to be able to meet my basic life need of sleep and he needs to understand that and play fair!

We Are Not Monsters

We are not easy to deal with. The unpredictable highs and lows, the confusion and sometimes we do lash out and push people away. We do need people to stay though. People who can see the person behind the illness. People who are willing to understand and persevere and it’s a long road. It takes time to get to know all the little signs, what to do. It gets easier with time and experience. Some people don’t stick around long enough though. They give up.

I wish I could place people in my shoes for a day. See what it’s like to think like me. To have my experiences. I just want people to understand me. I’ve thought a lot about how to explain things better. I just want people to understand we aren’t monsters. We aren’t horrible people. We deserve acceptance, love and support. We didn’t choose this life. We are doing our best to survive this.

Imagine, the bipolar demon takes over, and locks you away inside. They are at the steering wheel, everything you say and do isn’t really you. The demon says go away. Leave me alone. I don’t need anyone. That’s how it survives and feeds. Meanwhile, deep inside is the actual person trying to scream through the eyes. Help me, I’m trapped. The mouth says leave me alone, the eyes say please hug me, banish this demon. Please don’t leave me alone. Please help me.

The demon thrives on people walking away and giving up. It gives it power. The human within is fighting, I am loved, you are wrong, they do like me, but when your own eyes see the person turning cold, the body language changing, the tone of voice lowering, you can’t really argue with the demon anymore, and so you give up, weary from battling. Your heart breaks a little more. That’s when things get even worse. You have no control anymore. It’s fucked up because not everyone walks away or changes their body language because they are a bad person either. They just don’t know what to do to help. They might be scared. Nevertheless, the demon spits up the hurt at the person. It lashes out. Your mouth is going without any control. You end up hurting people you really didn’t want to and that just eats away at you even more, giving the demon yet more power. Your watching it all happen from inside like your watching a TV. Your watching that relationship being destroyed and you can’t do a thing.

You want so badly to scream this isn’t me. I’m sorry, please don’t leave me. Don’t listen to this. But at the end of the day, it’s your body sat there, it’s your voice coming out so you’re held accountable. It is you and it isn’t at the same time. People can’t understand that. You can say sorry when your well but you’ll nearly always be held at an arms length from that point on and so any chance of deeper understanding is gone. Forever a wall up. Naturally the other person is wary of you. And that makes you scared and so your wall goes up, and it ends up being a mess.

I will say although I’ve had many walk away, I’ve had a lot stay too. I have the best friends a girl could wish for. They’ve seen me on the floor crying my eyes out, they’ve watched me being manhandled into an ambulance, fighting, catatonic from medication and they never changed a thing about how they treated me. I’m still Sam. They love me. All of me. I am very lucky.

There was a few difficulties to begin with. The words ‘Sam, I know this isn’t you talking’ are some of the most helpful words ever when my mouth is going and spitting up hurt and lashing out. It’s also not much of an issue now because they all know me inside out and I feel safe and secure that they aren’t going to walk away because they’ve been around for years. They have been consistently loving. My husband is great too. He just says ‘tell your psychosis to calm itself down, I love you no matter what’. Certain words make all the difference as to how things go down.

When I was catatonic, my best friend still invited me to her house. I was no longer registering as being on this planet but she still sat by my side, we watched a film together in silence. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t any fun at all but she still wanted to be beside me. That meant everything.

When I was accidentally given Valium before my diagnosis of Bipolar and I was dangerously manic and drinking at the same time and I was out of control in the town centre running around, starting fights, climbing trees and just feeling like Queen of the Universe, my friends chased me, tried to get me to stop, they called an ambulance. They watched me being restrained in the hospital because I was running down corridors causing mayhem. They watched me being sectioned. They didn’t walk away.

Once I got better I felt so guilty and ashamed and embarrassed. They had the best response ever. Humour. They brushed it off and made fun of it like it was just normal, like someone had done something silly when drunk. They still talk and joke about it to this day. This thing happened, let’s laugh at it. We always rip each other in fun, when anyone does anything weird. Not one of them treated me any different and I wouldn’t have blamed them if they were like fuck this shit, she’s crazy. Now they recognise that look in my eyes when I’m manic. The massive pupils, the laughter, the devilment. They know to keep me away from alcohol when I’m in that state, to keep me safe.

When I am severely depressed and I shut down and I can’t verbalise what I need, when that demon says go away, I want to die, kill your self, nobody will ever love you, everyone is giving up on you. My friends show up at my house, they tell me to put some fucking pants on, to get up, to brush my hair, they bring food or care packages. They don’t listen to the demon. They hold me tight. They suffocate me with love. They say positive things, they remind me who I am and all the good things about myself. They reassure me they won’t ever leave me. That they know this isn’t me right now. They say things they know will make me laugh or smile. With every passing day, the demon loses its grip, I can escape my bonds and take over control again. That’s the only way I can describe it.

I am not perfect. I am a complete mess sometimes but I am not a monster. There is a girl beyond this illness with a heart of gold. A girl who is full of love, kindness and would do anything for anyone to make them smile. She just needs people to look past the darkness. A little extra love and understanding sometimes. Help to banish the demons. She doesn’t want to keep watching people turn their backs because of this illness. She wants to belong and be accepted by the many, not just the special few.

Triggers

Certain life events can trigger bipolar episodes. Death of a loved one, arguments with friends, family or co-workers, hormones, seasonal changes, sleep changes, breakups, job stress or loss, stressful life events, abuse, alcohol and drugs.

The ones in bold are what I’m dealing with. Is it any fucking wonder I am not coping? I really just need to feel a little extra love and care right now. I need to be told it’s all going to be okay, I need extra cuddles, I need help and support. I can’t cope anymore. It’s just too much for one person. It’s been like Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events and so far I’ve been battling and battling on, trying to be brave, trying to keep going, clinging on for dear life by a finger. Then the whole interview situation was like someone stamping on that finger and I fell down. I fell hard and fast directly to rock bottom.

Death of a Loved One

One of my closest childhood friends died last month. I’m still absolutely broken hearted. I miss her like crazy. She was an absolute ray of sunshine in my life. I loved her with all my heart. She knew what I was going to say before I said it. We could have full conversations just with our eyes. You don’t get that kind of relationship a lot in life. We grew up together. She was more like a sister than a best friend. I feel like part of me is missing. The pain is constantly there. I ache for her. I want her here. Soul mates aren’t just romantic love interests. She was my soul mate. Without her, I don’t have that psychic connection with anyone. Sure, I have great friends but not on that level. She was the one. Nobody will ever take her place. I miss her so much I want to go be with her. Spongebob and Patrick reunited again.

My other friend has terminal cancer. She’s outliving her estimated life span which is great but I don’t know how much longer she has. I panic whenever I have a missed call. When I get texted from someone else who knows her just incase it’s the news I’m dreading. When she doesn’t reply to my text within half an hour, my mind jumps straight to the worst conclusion. One day soon though, it won’t be just false panic. It’ll be for real. I can’t cope with that.

Arguments with Co-Workers/Family

I’ve been berated for weeks at work by this woman. Constantly questioning my abilities and skill set. Watching my every move. I feel very singled out by this person. I’ve complained several times. Yesterday she continued her tirade of belittlement and I really didn’t need to be made to feel even shitter than how I already feel. I complained again but I don’t feel like it’s being taken seriously and it’s really affecting me. I need it to stop. She’s driving me insane. It’s putting me on edge and making me very uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s making me explosively angry other times I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. It’s triggering so many bad memories and PTSD. She uses the same dialect as my mam. She looks at me the same way too. That wide eyed crazy stare. It’s like having my mam stood there all over again making me feel like I’m not good enough. I need her to know her behaviour isn’t acceptable. I shouldn’t be made to feel this way. It’s bullying and it’s supposed to be unacceptable but I feel like I’m the crazy one whenever I speak up about it. Almost like I’m the one in the wrong? I don’t understand why I do not have full support on this matter.

My husbands aunt is constantly on my case. It’s not her fault and it is at the same time. She had a nervous breakdown not that long ago and she just can’t cope with life. Any tiny thing sends her into a spiral of anxiety and panic. Basic things like sorting out car insurance, a letter that requires some kind of actions, ordering things from fucking Amazon. So guess who has to pick up the pieces? Me. I have to sort it all out for her. The issue is she needs everything done that instant. She will flap and flap until I do it. Doesn’t matter how I feel, what I have to do myself. Everything has to be dropped. We’ve had so many arguments because I just lose my shit sometimes. I lose my patience. I ask for her to be more mindful of my feelings or can you maybe make a list of things you need and give me them all at once, once a fortnight instead of bothering me all the godforsaken time. My husband has had words and said quite clearly you are wearing my wife into the ground. The issue is, she doesn’t have anybody else. The more stressed she gets, she takes it out on Nana. Then Nana suffers. So it’s easier all round if I just keep her sweet. It is really fucking infuriating though when she’s in my face demanding things before I have even took my coat off. When I have 23 missed calls and I’m thinking someone has died or theres some emergency only to find out she needs a book for her kindle. Not urgent at all. It’s massively stressful for me. I feel trapped though. There’s been times I’ve been in bed because I haven’t slept the night before and I’m trying to just catch up on a few hours sleep and I miss her calls so she’ll come and bray my fucking door in until I answer it. I wake up in a panic thinking someone is breaking in it’s that loud, only to find it’s her again, and she needs a lavender spray ordered from Amazon. It’s a fucking joke and so so infuriating.

Hormones

So my hormones are all over the place due to my PCOS. I don’t have a cycle. Normally people with bipolar can predict hormonal changes sometimes and prepare for that. I can’t do that. There is no schedule. And the pain. Like someone is ripping my uterus out with a coat hanger. A 2 week period isn’t the best for anyone. But 2 weeks of pain, rolling around the bed sometimes, it’s tiring. The unbridled rage that comes with it. PMT but on steroids for me. Sends my emotions into hyperdrive. It’s exhausting just to stay balanced during these times. I’ve recently started Metformin too to try and help with creating a cycle and to help me hopefully ovulate so I’m hoping this regulates things and lessens the pains and finally gets me pregnant after 6 years of trying. I feel like such a failure. I want nothing more than to start our little family together. It’s my fault this isn’t going right and I know he doesn’t blame me but I still just wish I could function normally in one aspect of my life.

Sleep Changes

My sleeping has been getting steadily worse now for months. This is what happens when things are getting to me. I can’t switch off and sleep no matter what, then in turn the lack of sleep makes everything ten times worse. I’ve tried everything I can. You can’t escape your own mind. Sometimes I can use coping methods to calm down and relax me but sometimes I cannot stop the endless spiral of overthinking. I have a to do list as long as my arm as well, all the time. I can’t switch off fully because I am constantly worrying about what I have to do next. The more I don’t sleep the more I worry that I’ll get the psychosis coming back too. Everything is a fine delicate balance.

Job Stress

Well I’m not going to go into this very deeply yet again but feeling like your hard work, experience and dedication counts for nothing definitely affects mood. I’ve had my confidence and worth smashed into tiny pieces. This was actually the last thing to happen in the series of events and was the thing that ended up being one too many things to deal with and therefore the thing I have hyper focused on. A very important part of my wellness is feeling like I am valued and doing well and that I have a future there, that I am part of the team and taken seriously. I don’t feel like that at all anymore. Normal work stresses don’t really bother me as much. I’m quite fast at what I do so I can get quite a lot done when it’s busy. I’m usually very proud of myself that I can fly round and get stuff done like whizz kid. I really can’t do that at the moment. I just feel so shit and now being off sick because I’m having a mental breakdown just makes me worry even more about my future there.

Stressful Life Events

I care for Nana. So that’s two houses to clean, her medical needs to sort out, her hygiene needs, her social needs. I’ve constantly got to think about what she needs, before I even think about what I need. Now, I’m supposed to move in with her. This is my grand plan to make life a little easier. Reducing my load to one house to clean, I’ll be there more to keep an eye on her, I can feed her at the same time as us, do the washing all together and once we settle into a routine it’ll be much better. I have a plan to make my life that little bit more efficient and save me some time that I can then use to actually enjoy my life and relax. Here’s the sticking point. I’m finding it hard to find the time and energy to actually pack my shit up and move. I had to wait ages for a bed to be delivered, and longer for my furniture. So I thought I’d book a couple days off work to get the flatpack built on the day it arrives, and once it’s built spend the other day moving the stuff. Holidays declined. I need to move those days. I have a notice period on this house and internet to move and it all needs to be timed very specifically and I just can’t do it. I am so stressed out by it all. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just want to scream. One small mercy is that the absolute headfuck that was dealing with the solicitors and the council is over with. That bit I managed to get sorted but it involved spending every lunchtime for about 3 weeks on the phone whilst trying to choke down some lunch.

I can’t get time off work for one of my best mates weddings and I’m still clinging onto the fading hope that someone might cancel their holiday, we might get more staff so I can go. I can’t bring myself to tell him I can’t go. I’m best woman. I want to be there for my friends. I can’t even imagine everyone I love going and me not going. It’s really depressing to think about. Makes me want to cry, makes my heart hurt.

Coronavirus pandemic is a massive stress. Part of my well-being is spending quality time with friends, going to mental health support groups, art classes and other hobbies that have a social or therapeutic aspect. I haven’t been able to do any of this for so long and it’s all good and well talking online to friends but I am a very physical person. I need hugs. I love hugs. Hugs are healing. I need to make memories. I need to just hang out and laugh. I need to do positive things. I need things to look forward to. I have never felt lonelier than I do right now. Work is all I have at the moment and I feel so alone most of the time because it’s not the same as chilling with mates. It’s all about work and no play obviously. I need play! I’m impatiently waiting for a hot tub weekend with mates that I planned a year and a half ago. If Boris cancels this again, I will go Guy Fawkes on him. I won’t fail though. I need this break away. 3 nights of fun. No responsibilities. I really think it’ll do me the world of good.

I miss my godchildren so freaking much it hurts. More memories lost. They grow so fast and I fear our bond will suffer due to absence. I miss soft play dates with little legs, I miss my god daughter nearly killing me at the trampoline park, I miss watching both my older godchildren play ice hockey. When my god daughter texts me saying she misses me and wishes we could hang out it breaks my fucking heart.

Things are heading the right way but a lot of the things I enjoy haven’t reopened yet. And I feel like I’m hanging on and hanging on waiting. I also have to consider the fact I am a carer so I need to be extra careful. Just because things reopen I have to consider if it’s safe enough yet. I would never forgive myself if I passed it onto Nana and anything happened to her. She’s my favourite human on Earth. Should be able to visit the godkids soon too. I hope I’m allowed a years worth of hugs. I’ve video called but it’s not the same at all. I can’t wait for the day we can do sleepovers. Me and my mini me in our matching Slytherin pyjamas watching Harry Potter with ice cream and making my husband be our waiter. I love making her giggle. I swear kids laughter is like the best medicine ever.

My brother is strung out on drugs and this is a constant worry. He’s going to end up in jail or dead and I just want him to wake up and get his shit together. It’s easy to say why care but I do. He’s my little brother. I just want him to do well in life and not to sit watching his life waste away.

Abuse

The scars of the past are never fully healed. My mother still continues her abuse to this day. It hurts like hell. I want so badly to have a loving mam. I feel like I need that but I’ll never have it. It sounds silly but I still sometimes wonder why she hates me so much. What I ever did to deserve this.

Even now, someone will say or do something to me and it triggers a bad memory and all that pain and hurt comes flooding back. It’s PTSD. Most of the time I can hide it, control it from escalating out of control but not always. Doesn’t matter how well I do that though, the pain in my heart is still there. Like someone has just stabbed me. It’s an actual physical pain. If it’s really really bad, I get flashbacks/dreams. Like I’m back there all over again being burned by cigarettes. Feels so real.

I get flashbacks of sexual abuse. I tell everyone that me and my husband have only ever been with each other. That’s not strictly true. To me, he’s my first. The one I chose when I was 17. I actually lost my virginity to someone I didn’t consent to when I was 14. He was 34. I was so terrified I didn’t even tell my dad. He died not knowing. I dealt with it completely alone. It went on for just over a year. Repeatedly. You just learn to switch off. To split your mind from your body. You fracture your mind completely just to cope with it. That’s why my go to reaction is to just shut down completely whenever I feel scared or hurt. I have had therapy regarding this but a friend of mine was attacked not that long ago and it made everything resurface for me when she told me what had happened to her. The nightmares came back more frequently.

So all in all, I’m dealing with a hell of a lot and everything is raw right now. It’s like I don’t have any skin at all. Even the gentlest of breezes hurts like hell. My head is absolutely battered to fuck. I am in pain in my heart all the time and I can’t stop it. I know death would stop all of this instantly. I wouldn’t have to deal with any of it anymore. It’s always on my mind at the moment and that’s not a good sign. I cut my arms today just to release some of that pain because I know it works. It’s absolutely ridiculous and stupid and I haven’t done anything like this in years. It gave me some relief though. The elastic band trick didn’t work for the amount of pain I’m dealing with. I really feel like everything has just happened all at once and caused chain reactions and I’ve just crumbled under the weight of it all.

I need to just find myself again. I need to spend time around those who love me. Those who can help me rebuild the broken pieces of myself. Only love can do that. That extra level of care and support. I need my friends. Cuddles to hold me together while I’m falling apart. I need to not feel alone. I need to talk to people who understand these things due to shared experiences. I need to avoid anything that is going to cause me further pain and hurt just until my skin grows back. Very few people understand this. Everyone expects you to just take it all and keep going on and in reality that’s impossible. If I keep trying to, I’ll self destruct even more.

I’m seeing Big Papa tomorrow. He’s one of my longest friends. He’s called Big Papa because when my dad died he was trying to make me smile again when my world was falling apart and said he would step up and be me dad. He would bray anyone who broke his girls heart. He would be there for me no matter what. It was funny and it did make me smile because at that time, there was nothing big about him. He was this skinny little emo kid with his fringe over one eye who couldn’t bray his way out of a paper bag, but I appreciated the sentiment. Fast forward 12 years, he’s now 6 foot odd and like a giant bearded bear. Now he’s Big Papa. The gentle giant. And he’s never ever let me down. He kept his word. He’s always been here to scrape me off the floor. We had a good talk on the phone tonight about how I’m feeling. I’ve been promised a giant bear hug tomorrow. We are going to chat about how to fix this mess that is me. He’s bringing lunch to make sure I eat. I won’t be alone with my pain tomorrow while my husband is at work, falling even deeper down. I won’t be at work feeling alone either. I feel like this is one baby step in the right direction.

Gothic Rock

The band HIM from Finland, a nice escape from my thoughts of tomorrow. His voice just soothes me and he’s one of the hottest guys on this planet so it’s certainly better than staring at a wall and descending into panic, sadness and pain. I could stare at him all day. His lyrics are like poetry. Perfectly describing love, death and melancholy. In my little fantasy world, I have him kidnapped and tied up in my room. He sings to me whenever I want and when he’s not singing, he’s just laying in his coffin bed looking all moody and mysterious for my pleasure. Oh what I would give for my little daydreams to be real life. It would make life worth living again that’s for sure.

In Joy and Sorrow

Oh girl we are the same,

We are young and lost and so afraid.

There’s no cure for the pain

No shelter from the rain

All our prayers seem to fail.

In joy and sorrow, my home is in your arms

In a world so hollow, it’s breaking my heart.

Join Me

This world is a cruel place,

And we’re here only to lose,

So before life tears us apart,

Let death bless me with you,

Would you die tonight for love?

Baby join me in death.

Into the Night

Into the night we ride, scars wide open,

Into the night, you and I torn and broken,

Bleed into the night and I’ll meet you there,

Waiting for the world to end.

Tears on Tape

Tears on tape,

She surrenders needle in arm,

While we dance into the storm, darkness falls,

Settling the score with love for once and for all,

Soaked in blood I cry, I fear we’re lost to the summer rain,

Lonely and afraid.

Dark Light

Shivers run through the spine,

Of hope as she cries,

The poisoned tears of a life denied,

In the raven-black night,

Holding hands with dark light.

Ville Valo – HIM 🖤

Regretful Return

I went back to work today and I really wish I hadn’t. I would have walked out and gave up had it not been for one single person. One single person gave a fuck about me today. Everyone else just pretty much ignored me.

This was all made ten times worse when I saw the roster. So that woman who was so damaging on my mental health a few weeks ago. Yeah, I was on with her. Great. So bear in mind I have already had my self worth smashed into a million pieces after the whole interview situation and basically made to feel like I’m not good enough to do the job I’ve done for years. Depressed to fuck and suicidal from never ending situations battering me endlessly. Now this. So she sits there and starts berating me approximately ten seconds after I walked in. My first sample of the day. Constantly questioning if I know what I’m doing, have I done this before. Like the Spanish Inquisition. When I said yes I’ve done this a million times before, that should have been the end of it. Nope. She just kept going and going. I walked off. I thought I’ll go calm down, come back she’ll be done. Wrong. I sat back down, we had round 2. I felt my heart rate escalate out of control, my hands shaking and I was finding it hard to breathe. She kept going. I even said, hey I’m not good today thinking that might make her stop. Nope. We had round 3 and at that point i said, look if you don’t trust me to do this, you can do it. She declined. Didn’t know how I could win at this point or get her to just stop her incessant twittering. I walked off again.

Thank god I bumped into the one person who spoke to me all day. He listened to me. He offered help. He could see how broken I was. He knew I couldn’t take this today. He sorted the whole thing out for me, got her moved away from me and he took her place. That made it a whole lot better. Thank god for him today, he was my guardian Angel. Even just having him by my side made me feel safer and less alone. Like the hurt of everyone else couldn’t get to me as much. I was shielded. I had a friend. Someone with a good heart like mine.

So here I am, in the same situation as last night. Praying tomorrow doesn’t come. Feeling up a height. I really had hoped today would be better than this. It’ll be more of the same tomorrow. I don’t know how much more I can take. I am but a name on a rota though. People think that because you’re up and about and functional that you must be fine. The work is getting done. Nothing else matters.

The worlds biggest spider just ran across my blanket as well so that’s been thrown across the room and I’m genuinely considering setting fire to it because I don’t know where the spider has gone. I am now on edge even more. This day just gets better and better. Once again, please may god strike my house down with a meteor, bolt of lightening, anything before tomorrow. 🤞

Anxiety

Been singing to try and stave off the anxiety but it isn’t working. My voice is shit at the moment anyway. I have a sore throat from inhaling water and all the coughing afterwards the other day in the bath. Lesson learned. It’s nigh on impossible to drown yourself in the bath. I thought if I just held my breath long enough, id pass out. Forgetting about natural reflexes. Fuck sake.

I feel like my heart could explode at any moment right now. My hands won’t stop shaking either. It’s been this way for hours now. I feel like I might actually throw up before tomorrow. I really just don’t want tomorrow to come. Praying that a freak meteor hits this house. Needless to say, I can’t get to sleep in this state. The husband has gone to bed and took the keys with him so going for a walk in the moonlight isn’t an option. He doesn’t like me wandering outside at night. It’s peaceful though.

I don’t want to go to work but I have to. I want to stay here in my safe space. Just lay here with my blanket. Without situations that could hurt me even more. Then again sitting here alone all day while the husband is at work isn’t ideal either. Truth is I don’t know where I want to be. There’s nowhere on this Earth really that would make me happy right now.

I have no idea how tomorrow is going to play out. Ive obviously gone over every scenario that ever could happen in my head. Trying to prepare myself mentally. Doesn’t matter how prepared I am though, it doesn’t change the fact that my spark is gone. I have zero motivation. I just don’t see the point anymore.

Eurovision *spoiler alert*

My husband loves watching Eurovision. I generally sit there bemused but I do enjoy Graham Norton’s savage commentary. The crazy outfits and eccentric people never cease to amaze me. What are they going to surprise me with this year? I’m writing this as I watch it and writing my thoughts because by the time I get to the end I’ll have forgot who anyone was. Thought I’d do this today rather than stare at a wall like I did yesterday. Something to focus on. I know I’m a day late to the entire thing but I haven’t got social media at the moment so I don’t know who’s won yet so for me it’s like it’s live. Here are my thoughts:

The hosts are weird as usual. Overly joyful. Standard good looking guy and girl. And two extras. Have to make sure you represent! The blonde woman’s dress is like someone had a project runway task to do something with shape. They always do that asymmetrical shoulder. And the plus size woman looks great but I can’t help feel sorry for her later on when she comes to scrub all that glitter off. She’s going to be wearing part of that outfit for a long time yet. And that half suit half skirt thing the other woman is wearing. What a mess.

1. Cyprus – You don’t get more votes for your lack of clothes love. Just reminds me of a budget Miley Cyrus. Canny beat but that’s all it has going for it. Was impressed she could do a crab though, haven’t been able to do that since Primary school.

2. Albania – So this ones clearly trying to be Beyoncé. She has got the thighs to back it up though. And she can actually sing. I mean she’s no Beyoncé but decent effort. I liked the shake your hips kind of vibe.

3. Israel – What the fuck is that on her head? It’s like she’s been caught up in some electrical cables on her way in. The song itself is quite catchy. Has a modern fresh feel. This is my favourite so far.

4. Belgium – She really reminds me of a young Lulu. Just in appearance. I feel it’s quite a depressing song for Eurovision but the mood I am in I can appreciate the lyrics. I appreciate the dark and moody vibe. Not sure the rest of the world will. People are actually playing instruments too instead of a synthetic boom boom beat.

5. Russia – What the fuck? Like a fat suit babooshka doll. She’s sliding round the stage like the exorcist. Oh wait she’s stepped out of a door in the dress. Impressive. Now she’s in some kind of prison get up. I like it she’s representing the oppression and lack of tolerance in Russia. Powerful message. Putin ain’t gonna like this burn your bra and pro gay attitude. She’s like a woman scorned ready to burn the world down for change. Love it. Russia does need this message out there. As you can tell I’m a strong ally.

6. Malta – Someones trying her best to be Nicki Minaj. Another song about a woman pissed off at a man. And how she’s going to be a fierce independent woman now. Boring. Especially coming after the last song with such a powerful and relevant message. I will acknowledge that she does have some lungs on her. Powerful voice.

7. Portugal – Hello Cowboy! He’s dressed like somebody I’d meet in a bar in the game Red Dead Redemption. He has a very nice quality to his voice. It’s a nice song but it’s very slow and mellow.

8. Serbia – Loco loco alright. Like the worst 3 of the Pussycat Dolls rejects. I mean I can appreciate they can slut drop for daaays. But that’s about it. I mean if they had of done a death drop at the end they might have scored points but no, not for me. Just a clubbing vibe with no substance.

9. UK – Well what can I say? There’s just nothing about it that stands out. Very predictable. I still feel we should have had UK Hun? by the cast of RuPauls Drag Race. Get our best drag queens up there with the catchiest song that’s ever been. That’s the only way we would ever stand a chance. I do feel sorry for this guy though. He looks so happy and hopeful and it’s just not gonna happen mate. I won’t be shocked if we get nil point. It’s certainly not the worst up to now though. I hope he gets a least a few points for his self esteem but I feel in my heart this won’t happen. I hope he doesn’t have a breakdown after this.

10. Greece – Quite an energetic song. The invisible dancer thing is quite cool and different. Her outfit though reminds me of Anne Hathaway in Roald Dahl’s, ‘The Witches’. I think it’s the purple gloves. You could dance to this but it’s just similar to so many other songs it doesn’t stand out.

11. Switzerland – His vocal range is amazing and I mean he can hit notes no guy with balls should be able to. There’s an energy to this song that has given me goosebumps and I can’t tell you why. I can’t even say what the song is about. I think it’s just the force of voice alone.

12. Iceland – They look like Band Camp. Like Iceland found some geeks in a basement somewhere, stopped their game of Dungeons and Dragons and said you’ll do. It’s the matching sweaters with their faces on as well. Like their grandma put them up to this. I cringe for them. Song about positivity and everything is so cheerful and they’re so smiley bless them and it’s nice and all but cheesy as fuck. Not my cup of tea at all.

13. Spain – Based on appearance alone he looks like an absolute fanny rat. He knows he’s good looking. His pants are distractingly tight. I haven’t seen pants this tight since Olivia Newton John was stitched into hers in Grease. Standard ballad. Good looking guy sings song with all his heart while looking like he’s the sweetest thing ever. Oh Jesus, he’s just hit the highest note ever and this explains fully the lack of bulge in his pants.

14. Moldova – Another Beyoncé inspired bodysuit. I have this fake seductive voice I use on my husband when I’m taking the piss and she’s got that down to a tee except she’s deadly serious. That low husky not sexy at all voice. There is nothing in her eyes. Like that Real Housewives of Orange County medicated look. Bog standard. Not for me.

15. Germany – What the fuck? There’s someone dressed as a hand? Imagine spending your entire night dressed as a hand that yes in one way means peace with two fingers sticking up but when she turns round she’s flipping the whole room off. This is the first time I’ve cracked a smile in days. It’s like a song you’d get on CBeebies. It’s so chirpy and happy but for me it’s the lass dressed as the finger, flipping everyone off repeatedly and unwittingly. Very amusing. When she puts her arm down it’s the lone middle finger left and that has but one meaning. Hilarious. Ooh they’ve started tap dancing like Annie. That’s cute. This is the same country that brought us one of the best bands ever, Rammstein right? It’s like falling into a parallel dimension.

16. Finland – YESSSSSS! Fuck yesssss! Heavy metal, middle finger up in the air. Long haired beautiful men. My favourite so far and I feel this might be my winner completely. Ticks all my boxes. No surprise, all my favourite bands come from Finland, (Nightwish, HIM, Apocalyptica to name but a few). Might have found a new one to listen to. Yes boys blow the bastard roof off. They have guy-liner on and that just melts me. This is the best I have seen since I jizzed my pants the year Lordi walked out onto stage with ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’.

17. Bulgaria – Lovely voice, very nice quality to it that reminds me of Birdy and its a song about her dad dying of Motor Neurone Disease slowly. It’s making me quite upset. Total respect to her, that must be very hard to sing about. I’ve got goosebumps. Probably my second favourite of the competition so far. Bless her I just want to give her a cuddle. I bet her dad is so proud of her.

18. Lithuania – He reminds me of someone. It’s quite catchy this actually. Not sure about his dance moves though. Especially the move I’ll describe as the chicken. Or the yellow outfits. Louie Spence! That’s who he reminds me of! Shame he can’t dance like Louie though. Nobody could be that fabulous though. Doppelgänger alert!

19. Ukraine – It’s like yodelling but it’s not and she’s dressed like Orville. It is strangely intriguing. I don’t dislike it. Its like if the lady from Shakespeare’s sister joined a tribe and was chanting at the ritual sacrifice of a goat whilst high on herbal remedies dancing round a campfire. It’s picked up and not gonna lie, I’d join her dancing round the campfire. Kind of makes me want to Cossack dance.

20. France – Beautifully delicate. Incredible voice. Voila! Voila! Voila! Edith Piaf? Reminds me of that. I understand French, and what a lovely song. ‘Look at me, before I hate myself’ ‘Look at me or at least what’s left of it’. I think this has moved up into my favourites. Very controlled and emotional. Job well done.

21. Azerbaijan – Oh look it’s budget Ariana Grande. I can imagine belly dancing to this. It’s got this move your hips in a seductive way vibe. They aren’t doing that controlled movement though. That would require skill. I like the music just not the words. Mata Hari, the songs title, was a Dutch woman, an exotic dancer in fact, who was imprisoned for being a German spy in World War One. There is nothing exotic or intriguing about their dance moves. I can see that on a Friday night in any nightclub. Desperate women grinding against men for attention. Nah, not for me.

22. Norway – What the hell? I can’t decide if he’s Elton John in Rocketman or Will Ferrell in that film about the Eurovision. I really like the words in the song. Fallen Angel. I just think the staging and costume takes away from it. It’s very 90’s boyband sound. I feel the words put with a different sound would be more powerful. Kudos to the guy for putting himself out there about his mental health struggles though and for being authentically himself. It’s brave. Can’t really take it seriously though.

23. Netherlands – I fucking hate man cleavage. Put a shirt on lad or be totally bare chested. One of the guys has a grey suit on with stitching that makes me think at any point the Avengers are gonna burst in and someone’s gonna shout ‘Wakanda Forever’. It’s very similar to Black Panther outfits. I do like the song itself though. You can’t break me. I like they’ve sung parts in another language. It’s a good message. I like the African beat in the background. Once again, the costume department wants fired.

24. Italy – Hello there! Guy-liner again. Aren’t you a dish. I quite like this. He has that husky rock voice. It’s a heavier sound. Reminds me of the guy from Prodigy. I can see myself blasting this. Song kicks ass. That’s how you do it! Just spotted the long haired one in the band, the drummer, absolute god. Fit as fuck. One of my favourites. The girl in the band is kicking ass too. Reminds me of Suzi Quatro in that jumpsuit. Get em girl! Hell yeah. Nobody has beat Finland for me yet though. This is a very close second!

25. Sweden – They have made this guys suit out of a bridesmaid dress I swear. It’s that shiny fake satin. Might have been from my bridesmaid dresses. It’s the same colour. He’s got a really nice voice and the lyrics have a nice message. Yeah this is okay. It’s quite catchy. He’s done a decent job. It won’t win though.

26. San Marino – Half Cleopatra, half Turkey then takes it off to reveal that Sia hairdo. Adrenalina? Her eyes are so wide eyed. I’m not sure she’s just on Adrenaline. It’s the eyes of a Bipolar manic person who’s been given Valium accidentally and is now on the moon. If she gets through this song without. a nip slip I’ll be shocked. She has not got her girls under control tonight. They are desperate to escape. Hang on, why is Flo Rida here? Isn’t he super famous. Is that allowed? Surely that’s going to gain popularity for this song based on his fan base alone? Standard clubby sound. Meaningless bop bop.

The interval. The woman who’s singing Bulletproof. Absolutely murdering it. Not even close to the notes she needs to hit. I can sing it better, genuinely. I mean it’s a hard song but you have a whole world of singers to choose from. I did enjoy highlights of the past. My two all times favourites are Lordi ‘Hard Rock Hallelujah’, the ones who looked like monsters and did something really different to what we’ve seen before and Ruslana ‘Wild Dances’, the one who looked like Xena the Warrior Princess.

Results. The blonde host has changed her dress! Another asymmetrical shoulder. Stick with what you know! Graham Norton is on point tonight. I live for the shade. I like watching them calling in. Watching the politics play out. Let’s vote for our border countries. I’m like mystic Meg when it comes to votes. I know who’s going to get what based on Geography alone.

I am genuinely shocked at the public votes this year. Some people getting absolutely zero. I felt a little pain in my heart for James from the UK. Nil point. I mean I had a feeling but he kept his smile and looks like a genuinely nice bloke so I felt sad for him. Wanted to give him a hug. I can’t imagine how it feels to basically feel like nobody in the entirety of Europe likes your song. And Germany missed a trick. Your dressed as a finger right? You get no public points. I’d sit and flip the whole place off me. 🖕Fuck you! How the flying fuck is Iceland doing so well? I am shooketh! Their grandma will be proud.

At this point, I know my favourite Finland isn’t going to win. They are still my personal winner. Italy my second fave looks strong though! It’s out of Italy and France here and both were good but I want my gothy lads to win. Blow the roof off again. Tense. Let the heavy rock win. Pleaseeeeeee….

YESSSSSSSSSSS! Finally some fucking justice in the world! Well deserved!FANFUCKINGTASTIC. And now I get to watch them again. Beautiful specimens of man. ROCK AND ROLL NEVER DIES 🤘😍. Below are my two favourites.

Brilliant.

It’s almost like my mother has some detector to sense when I’m at my lowest and then she messages out of the blue. Just to make everything that little bit worse. I really do not need this shit right now. She’s a fucking joke. She’s an abusive alcoholic, that’s all she’s even been and all she ever will be. I absolutely hate her. Why can’t she just leave me the fuck alone? Random messages at stupid o clock yet again.

Who opens a convo with that? At 2.30am?
Not gonna lie, it is funny she called me posh. Don’t think anyone would ever describe me as posh but she says this all the time. Tells me to leave her alone, hang on who messaged who first?
Living with dad was fucking years ago. He died in 2009. Does she even know it’s 2021?

I know I shouldn’t have replied at all. But I’m just fucked off. Sounds awful to say but I wish the alcohol would just take her already. I don’t even know how her liver is still functioning. Now she’s on drugs as well how the hell are her organs still viable? Typical though isn’t it. She drinks toxins like water and is fine and my dad who never did anything died. It should have been her.

Sometimes she comes to my house and I have to get her arrested. I’m sitting typing this worrying that she’s on her way to argue some more because I’ve stopped replying. I’m worried because I am in no mood at all. The usual thing I do is to restrain her and call the police but the way I’m feeling right now, I’m not sure I’d be able to hold back. 30 years of hurt and all those years of abuse might just pour out and I think I’d actually kill her. I think if I lost it with her I wouldn’t stop punching. I’m so enraged at her I think I’d actually tear her limb from limb. Oh god please don’t be on the way here.

The Joker

My favourite film is The Joker. I’ve found a mash up between my favourite song ‘Rebellion’ by Linkin Park and it uses footage from the film and I’ve just had it full volume blasting all day. It’s honestly the most perfect blend and just resonates with me completely.

I think I’m going to watch The Joker again tonight. I connect with the character Arthur Fleck. Trying his best only to be kicked down. The mental health system failing him. Getting abused, beaten and broken and the piss taken out of him until he finally snaps. I remember the first time I saw it at the cinema. I sat silently crying the entire way through the film because I knew how he felt. Somebody finally knew how I felt. I wasn’t alone. So many parallels. When he finally did snap I rejoiced. I was happy for him. They deserved it. Everyone has a breaking point.

I really feel like the female version of Arthur Fleck in a lot of ways. He even spared the small guy because he was always kind to him. I’d be the same. His hysterical laughter whilst the tears stream down his face. I’ve been there. Powerful stuff. He’s also not bad on the eye either. I have a thing for long haired guys in make up. Heath Ledgers joker, Joaquin Phoenix, and Brandon Lee in The Crow. Beautifully broken.

Living Dead Girl

Suicide is bad right. Makes things awkward. It’s messy. Nobody likes talking about it. It’s not the worst though. Being dead inside long before you’ve actually died, that’s worse. When you die you don’t have to process that pain because your mind is dead too. This shit is painful.

This shit is worse than dying. Death would be a sweet relief for how this feels. I want this pain to stop. This is more socially acceptable though. So long as your dragging your human shell around and being of some use to someone who cares if there is actually a soul in there?

I can play the game though. I can walk around like I’m perfectly fine. Hey I do it all the fucking time and sometimes people are none the wiser. Not even my husband. Hell, I can even laugh and smile and joke if that’ll make people feel better!

Everything’s going to be absolutely fine. The curtain is up, the mask is on and it’s time for the performance of a lifetime. Nobody can see the cracks unless I choose to show them. And one day, I won’t show up out of the blue. And that’ll be the happiest day of my life to date. It takes time to put things in order and to get hold of stuff. I can’t sit here doing nothing in the meantime so may as well crack on for now and do what I do, make every fucker else happy.

Dangerously Numb

I’ve become comfortably numb. I was so hurt and crying all last night and then the lights went out and I went cold. I don’t hurt anymore, I feel absolutely nothing. I didn’t go to work today, didn’t even phone them up to say I wasn’t going in. Consequences don’t matter to me anymore. Do your worst, I really don’t give a fuck anymore. The whole entire world can burn to the ground.

I deactivated my social media. I don’t want to speak to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone. I feel no connection to a single human being on this planet anymore. I haven’t eaten since Monday teatime and I don’t feel hungry at all. Just don’t want anything. I’m not sleeping at all and yet I’m not tired. Just sit and stare at the walls for hours on end. Totally losing track of time. Not even really thinking of anything actively just trance like sometimes.

I feel like a hollow shell. Emotionless. I feel nothing for anyone. I don’t feel any love at all, not even for my husband right now. Everyone is a stranger and a potential threat so the wall is up. I don’t trust anyone. I won’t listen to anyone. Everything is gone. Shut down. I am completely alone. I don’t need anyone or want anyone.

I know this is the most dangerous side of me. The side that doesn’t care if I live or die and favours the latter. The side where I don’t look after myself properly because why bother. The side that has no filter or obligation to hold herself back from what she wants to say if she wants to say anything at all. The side that would punch you in the face and not feel an ounce of guilt. The side where sometimes every fibre of my being wants to just run away from any unwanted interaction. The side that wants to get on a train and go far away never to be seen again. The side that wants to just walk into the sea until the waves sweep me away. I can’t see a future anymore. I don’t care enough to look for one either.

Let Me Go

The anger has turned to tears. I can’t stop crying. I’m supposed to get up for work in 3 hours time and I’d really rather die. I don’t want to speak to anyone, I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t even want to exist. I’ve deactivated my Facebook. I don’t need it anymore. I just want to shut everything out and shut down and I don’t even have the will to fight anymore. There’s no point. That might be self destructive but something has switched in my little bipolar head and I don’t care about nothing anymore.

I’m done trying. Years and years of being held down, told I’m worthless and watching everyone around me flourish for all the wrong reasons. I fight and fight and really do try. I am decent person. I am kind and I help others and I work hard and I do every god damn thing I am supposed to do to thrive. So why do I always feel alone? Why am I never good enough? Why do I constantly see shitty people getting everything good happen to them. Everything I fucking do is this massive battle. The world is corrupt and unkind and I don’t wanna be a part of it anymore. I’m tired of the politics. Very few are actually human anymore. Sure they smile in your face but I can see through it with ease.

I just want the good things I put out to come back to me. I want to feel like I belong on this earth. I never have though. I have friends, I have a husband but I’ve never met anyone who truly understands me on a deeper level and that’s so lonely. I always feel like an outcast or outsider. Like I’m confusing to people. Like an anomaly.

Can’t ever seem to shake the feeling. I am a person out of time. I’m not supposed to be here. I don’t belong. I feel like maybe a part of me died a long time ago and that’s why I never feel whole. I’ve got a mother who hates me and I don’t know what I ever did wrong to deserve the abuse. My dad isn’t here anymore and I want more than anything to just die to be with him because I miss him so much. I can’t have a baby because I can’t even be a woman properly and I’m so ugly that I don’t even know why my husband even looks at me. Oh and I don’t have the knowledge to understand what I’m doing for the job I’ve done for years apparently. So why am I here? Am I here to suffer so I can try again to suffer some more?

The sad fact is you put a dog down as a kindness when it’s in pain. I’ve been in unbearable inconsolable pain for years and I hide it well but sometimes the cracks show because ultimately I’m damaged. There’s just so much trauma. Always hopeful things will get better. It’s 20 years later and it’s still not better. One thing after another. When is enough, enough? I’m just going to lay here and fade away. Everything can go to shit. I just want to sleep forever. I think the best way to go would be to find a drug dealer and get hit up with a lethal dose of heroin. Fall asleep painlessly in a haze never to wake up. I’ve thought about it a lot. Tablets never work. Cutting your wrists neither. I’m not one for leaping off cliffs. I need something that’s final. That’s definitely going to work. I can’t go through the earth shattering disappointment that is waking up perfectly fine in the hospital knowing you can’t even kill yourself properly either. Not even death can go right for you. The cruel irony. I need to not come back from it. I’d have blown my brains out long ago if I had access to a gun. Just so desperately want to find peace and be out of this life. I’m completely empty I have nothing left to give this world. It’s time to go please god let me go.

Line of Duty Finale Reaction

Can I just get this out of my system. I’ve just watched the season finale of Line of Duty. I’ve sat for a good hour trying to process it. Here are my thoughts.

Imagine you’re fishing on a lake on a desert island. You are starving. The line starts tugging, you’re reeling for hours and it feels heavy. It’s a battle, you’re convinced you’re reeling in the worlds largest fish, so excited to finally have a meal, and when the line finally comes up it’s a fucking tadpole and you’re just stood there exhausted and despondent having wasted hours of your time and having nothing to eat for dinner so you just flop to the floor and lay there waiting for death to come.

Imagine edging for weeks on end, building up and building up to possibly the biggest and best orgasm you’ve ever had in your life. And then your cock falls off before you’ve had the chance to blow your load. And you’re sat there just staring at your sad little shrivelled cock on the floor, speechless and oh so sad.

Imagine being on a long car journey, you’ve been constipated for weeks, you are full to the brim, and all of a sudden you’re bursting for a shite. You get them shooting pains up your hoop, the poo sweats start, you’re in a world of pain, you just desperately need the sweet relief of the toilet. You need to feel empty. This will solve everything. You finally get home, so excited, waddle like a penguin to the toilet, and a tiny fart comes out. And that’s it.

That doesn’t even half cover the disappointment, anger, disbelief, emptiness and sadness I feel. Weeks on end, such amazing episodes. We are finally going to find out who H is, after years and years of speculation, armchair detective work, pausing the fucking TV to read any documents and look at the photographs, theories from everywhere being analysed, always searching for new sources, new leads. I’ve been like CSI Newcastle for weeks now. I honestly just want to scream with frustration. And you know what, there better be another season and at some point they better build up the excitement and hype like this season and then actually let me cum in the end instead of being a filthy little tease!

Raging On.

Haven’t slept a wink and I’m quite frankly fuming. Not just because of the tiredness, my never ending to do list and the fact my brother is strung out on drugs. I don’t understand why the world is so fucking backwards. I don’t understand why everywhere has anti bullying policies, mental well-being initiatives and codes of conduct if they aren’t going to be followed up. Not worth the paper they are written on. Zero tolerance and yet you’re asked to ignore it and tolerate it first and foremost! What the actual fuck is up with that?

I set the boundary of what I find acceptable behaviour towards me. I don’t have to ignore it. If it’s unacceptable, it needs to stop. Plain and simple. I don’t understand this whole ‘be the bigger person’. That’s the shittest advice ever. It doesn’t make me less of a person if I am not willing to tolerate someone’s mentally damaging behaviour. I am also not willing to stand by and watch it happen to others. Am I the only one who sees that on a human level, the decent thing to do is to stand up for people in that situation? You don’t look away and pretend you can’t see someone being attacked. You confront it and address it and end it. Nobody should be made to feel like shit and then also feel like they are standing alone in that battle.

Am I the only one who believes that we need to support each other and build each other up rather than tear down? Am I the only one who truly follows the belief that everyone should be treat with kindness and respect? Am I the only one who is willing to speak up and be honest and not back down? Am I the only one wanting what’s right to be done? I don’t even feel it needs to be a discussion. Can people not be human first and then deal with all the politics later, or better still, scrap the politics. If there was any hope this was going to ‘blow over’ and I’d drop it, like shite will I. Actions have consequences. You don’t be a massive dickhead and then get off with it. Free to offend another day. Hell no!

I just get so irate when someone’s constant awful behaviour is deemed ‘them’. Oh that’s just the way she/he is. Doesn’t make it alright though does it. So because it’s them it’s fine for them to bully people. NO! I have bipolar and yet that doesn’t excuse me from my behaviour, I’m told to work on things, improve and rightly so. My friend has autism. When he acts out or has an outburst it’s deemed unacceptable straight away and he’s expected to change his ways. So how come others aren’t held to those same standards? Really can’t explain how absolutely searing mad I am. I just want the right thing to be done for fucking once. I want equality and fairness. I want zero tolerance as it should be. I want people to be held accountable for their actions where it breaks the rules.

I truly believe people unintentionally fuck up sometimes too. Mostly because I’m by no means perfect. I sometimes snap or get angry and act wrongly towards people. But the massive difference is, I reflect on my behaviour and I apologise and make efforts to put things right and improve. I don’t just continue a tirade of bad behaviour knowing it’s upsetting people. I am a forgiving person so long as I have an apology and I see positive change.

The sad fact is, I had to cling onto a bench yesterday to stop myself from flying over that bench and getting hold of the person. You can’t stand there snarling like a rabid dog at someone when I’ve smashed your face clean into the floor. Luckily, I managed to control it once again but it’s hard and it takes it’s toll. All my muscles ache today because I was tensed up, I was in fight or fight. That’s not a typo. Others have the flight option. I only ever have fight. I couldn’t sleep last night because that’s what happens when I have to suppress the rage. I shouldn’t have to get to this point. The sadder fact is, the minute I do lose it and go absolutely ballistic, I’ll be the one in trouble. It’s like constantly prodding a bear and expecting that bear not to maul you to death. You can’t blame the bear, it was provoked. And yet it’ll be the bear that gets shot and loses everything. That’s the sad but true fact.

Brother Baked

I have some serious concerns. My little brother informed me last year that he had started smoking weed. Now he’s pretty much a social recluse. He quit school at 14 and basically never leaves his room. He has no qualifications and no prospects, no get up and go. He still lives with mam and this is why his life is as bad as it is. She never made him go to school. Too drunk to care. My dad tried to step in before he died but my mam blocked him access and what child wants to go to a place of discipline when he can stay somewhere he can please himself. He never even said goodbye to my dad, they weren’t speaking and I’m sure he regrets this now. He’s now 25 and has had one job which he stuck out for a total of 2 weeks before quitting.

I remember being so proud of him when he got that job. I thought he was turning it around. I thought this would give him the motivation and means to leave mams house and get his own place away from that toxic environment. He had no clothes that were job appropriate so I took him shopping and made sure he had everything to give him the best possible start. A new wardrobe of work attire and a monthly bus pass so he could get to and from work. Then when he quit I was so disappointed in him. I’ve told him I will support him getting his own place too but he won’t leave mam incase she hurts herself when drunk or falls asleep drunk with a cigarette. He’s basically ruining his own life because our 56 year old mother can’t get a grip of her life. It’s not his responsibility to scrape her off the floor.

She treats him like shit too. Allows her boyfriend to speak down to my brother. It’s been this way for years. This is why the lad has no confidence. He’s a nervous wreck. Constantly telling my brother he is a piece of shit from him being a child. My brother would often have no food because mam never bought any and her boyfriend would order takeaway and sit and eat it in front of him. Like some fucked up power play. My mother and her boyfriend used to go on holiday for 2 weeks and leave my brother home alone with ten pounds for food, gas and electric meters. Not near enough. I used to go over while she was away to find the house freezing cold because he was too scared to turn the heating on. Find out he had ate one biscuit all day long. I would have to feed him for two weeks out my own pocket and at that time I was only part time at a supermarket. I had to help though.

I personally can’t stand my mams boyfriend. He’s a certified creep. When I did live there before I went to dads, I remember her boyfriend cornering me. Trying to touch me. I would lash out at him, kick him in the balls, bite him, whatever I had to do to escape his clutches and then he would tell my mam I’d smacked him one for no reason and she’d beat me for it. I told her he was a pervert but she didn’t care. I used to sleep with a knife under my pillow just incase he paid me a night time visit. This was on top of the abuse my mam inflicted on me. Crazy to think back at what I had to endure just to stay safe. The two of them have absolutely ruined my brothers life and it’s so sad. But now he’s an adult and I wish he would get the fighting spirit to want better for himself and to escape.

I was confused as to how he had come across the drugs. You never leave your room how the hell have you got into this? Mam gave me some to try. I can’t even explain how furious that made me. You gave your own son drugs?! Mothers are supposed to steer their children in a positive direction, not to push them further downhill. I tried to educate him about the dangers of drugs, I tried to be the parent but I’m the sister and he’s an adult now so there’s not a lot I can do. There’s never been much I could do. When he played truant all those years ago. I was at 6th form at the time and if I had a free period, I’d drive to mams, load him into my car and drive him to school and drag him through the doors. I was trying to be the parent but I just wanted what I knew was best for him! I knew he had potential. When he was really little I taught him how to read and write and he could have done so well academically if he had of stayed at dads when I took him with me.

When I finally escaped and the police allowed me to stay at dads, I went back for him. He was 6 years old. I packed a bag for him and basically kidnapped him. For 2 weeks he was safe with me at dads. I was helping him with homework, he was eating properly and he was thriving. Being 6 years old he didn’t understand properly and missed mam. Dad wasn’t one to block access so he let him see her for one weekend. Biggest mistake ever. She basically told him if he didn’t come home she’d kill herself. She kept him there. She brainwashed him. He ended up being turned against my dad. He was left to his own devices and to a child this is amazing, free reign. In reality, children need boundaries, care and encouragement. They need a parent. Guidance. This is why his life is so different to mine. When I escaped, dad was super strict. I’m lucky because I reached my potential. If I had of stayed with mam, I’m certain I would not be where I am today.

Fast forward to now and he’s sending me pictures saying ‘wake and bake’, pictures of bongs he is ordering, his pupils like satellite dishes. I’m not even convinced it’s just weed anymore. The last time I saw him in person there was barely any iris on his eyes. I don’t know much about weed but I thought it made you mellow and he was fidgety and excitable. Drug addicts seem to always start with weed before heavier stuff. It’s a gateway drug to more dangerous stuff. I’m so worried about him and his future. I’m also concerned at the money he has now. Money for drugs, money for new designer trainers. The benefits he is on doesn’t match up to the purchases he makes. I can’t afford the things he’s been getting and I have a good job! I’m concerned he’s running drugs or doing some other illegal thing. It doesn’t sit right, something doesn’t add up! I worry he’s dealing drugs from my mams house and one day he’ll end up jailed, stabbed or dead because that’s how it goes down. It never ends well!

If something happens to my mam, I don’t know what’s going to happen. He won’t have the life skills to run a home himself. She’s kept him down. He’s still very immature for his age. It’s almost like he’s still 14. He’s a vulnerable adult. I’m concerned he would end up homeless strung out on drugs. I’m concerned external forces would take advantage of him. I worry about it all the time. The amount my mam drinks and the drugs she takes, she can’t have long. Her liver must be pickled. I don’t want to see my brother homeless, he’d have to come live with me. I feel selfish saying it but I’ve worked so hard to get where I am and I am not having a drug addict at my home. He would have to go to rehab, get clean and then he would have to do chores in the house and get a job. I don’t want any trouble at my door. I am not working full time for him to sit in a room getting blazed out of his mind. He would have to accept that, my rules and sort his life out or I’d have to walk away. There’s only so much I can do, it has to come from within him.

I really don’t know how to get through to him that his life is ebbing away. The older you get the harder it is to get a job, people will question what you’ve done for the last ten years. He has no friends, no romantic partner. I’ve tried to integrate him into my circle of friends. I had hoped getting him out of his room, helping him socialise, breaking down those barriers would help. That he could see the benefit of having friends. Show him a better way of life. Nothing gets through to him. I just wish he would wake up and get his shit together! I wish I could just not care. Get on with my life without this worry but I’m his big sister, I will always see him as that cute little boy with the mushroom haircut no matter how tall he gets. I will always want the best for him and to protect him.

Volcano Girl

Rage for me is often like a volcano. I can be calm, dormant for ages. Then I might start to steam or bubble and finally I will erupt and cause devastation. I’m at the bubbling stage at the moment. Trying to channel all my anger management skills to avoid eruption but I am being tested something chronic!

In an earlier post, ‘Self Worth’, I mentioned how someone was having a negative impact on my wellbeing and how I was going to give the benefit of the doubt and remain balanced. It’s gone way beyond that point now. She has persisted. Gone even further and made me really fuming mad. So aside from the talking to me like a piece of shit, she’s now actively monitoring my every move at work, timing how long I take to do my job. Reporting me to head of section and bitching non stop about me. It’s harassment. Ignore it, rise above it most would say. Easier said than done. That’s allowing this behaviour to continue. Behaviour that is bang out of order. That’s ignoring the fact I have bipolar and disregarding how things like this impact my mental health on a larger scale. Anger management has taught me that writing about it is helpful so here I am.

I have communicated again today to management that this needs to stop. It needs to stop quick. The longer it goes on and the more mad I get, the bigger the explosion will be. I’m super proud of myself for not exploding today at the time when every part of me wanted to, and for communicating almost calmly via the appropriate channels but I can’t hold it back forever. She just needs to leave me the fuck alone seriously! I will not be disrespected or picked on. I deserve better than that. I deserve to be able to go to work, do my job and go home without drama.

Balance? Pfft. What’s that?

What a pickle! Yet another situation where I can’t win! This is never good for my mental health because I like to keep everyone happy and tick all the boxes and I can’t. I can’t seem to ever spin all the plates I need to at the same time without something crashing down to ruin it. My head is battered. I doubt I’ll sleep because I really don’t know what the hell to do and until something is resolved and I figure it out it’ll just swirl around in there.

One of my best friends is getting married in October. His wedding has been postponed several times due to covid now and this time he isn’t postponing again because this has gone on for over a year now and they want to be married so they can start a family. I originally had his June date booked off from work but now it’s rescheduled to October and today I was refused that annual leave. Already too many off due to it being half term and we are short staffed as it is.

I feel I took the news well at the time. I didn’t cry or get angry. It wouldn’t have achieved anything for one bar making people feel just as shit as me and for two it’s not anyone’s fault it’s just the situation it is. The situation could change if someone else cancels their holiday or some magical staffing solution is achieved and that’s the only small shred of hope I have. I want to cling to that with blind faith but I know as time draws nearer to the wedding, I’ll maybe not cope as well as that hope dwindles away. I really need a fairy godmother. Just one wish. I’d literally do anything if someone could just wave a magic wand and fix this mess so all parties were happy.

Now I know what most people would say. Sack it off anyway and go. I can’t do that either. Just the mere thought of it fills me with anxiety. I act like a badass who doesn’t give a fuck but I’m a good girl deep down. I really like my job. I’m doing so well and I do want to progress. I don’t want to leave anyone in the lurch by being off either. I can’t just ‘sack it off’ and go because I can’t afford to lose my job or my sanity. I like everything above board because I refuse to lie. Lying causes more problems than it’s worth, it goes against my morals. Anyone with severe anxiety will know what it’s like to panic and overthink about what people are thinking about you when you’re perfectly innocent let alone when you’ve told a fib! I can’t even lie to save someone’s blushes or feelings because if I don’t say the truth it eats me alive inside and I feel rotten. I despise dishonesty so much. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the wedding sat there in a spiral of panic wondering if I was going to get wrong or worse anyway.

The other choice isn’t any better. Let one of my best friends down. Sorry I can’t be part of your wedding now. I can’t do any of the wonderful things we planned. I can’t make those memories with you I had been so excited to make. I can’t see you marry the love of your life in this once in a lifetime moment you’ve invited me to be part of. It’s putting him in the shit too. Bit awkward to say to someone else that my first choice can’t attend so you’re my second choice can you step in. It’s awkward as fuck. He wants me to be there! 5 of us used to sit together at school and the thought of the 5 of us being reunited to hang out again at such an amazing occasion after so long stuck without being able to do so because of this pandemic was keeping me going. Me and my boys together again. If I can’t go I’ll have to listen to them recount memories of it for years to come and I’ll just sit feeling left out because I wasn’t part of it. It’ll kill me. I will regret not being there. Plus my husband is obviously going so I’ll be coming home to an empty house after work knowing everyone I love is having a blast without me. That’s not going to do me any good mentally. That’s a recipe for triggering a depressive spiral right there!

They are more than friends to me. They are like family. We have grown up together, been through so much, played pranks, ripped the piss out of each other but we’ve always had each other’s backs and been there for every high and low. We’ve done some crazy shit to each other over the years for the banter but we have never ever fallen out or had a single bad word.

I find it really sad that things like this aren’t covered as special leave. It’s awful to think I have time off this Monday for my friends funeral but I can’t have time off to enjoy friends while they are here. To enjoy big life events with them such as marriage. Things like this can break friendships or cause bad blood. I want to be there 100% for my friends and maintain those relationships before it is too late. We lost JJ too soon. That made us all really wake up and realise how short life really is. How much quality time together and memories really mean. It could all be over in a heartbeat. You don’t get that time or those experiences back. I don’t want to look back as an old woman and feel poor. I want to feel rich because I have a wealth of happy memories with friends.

The ideal situation would have been a blessing from work to go and then enjoying the wedding and making those memories. I’m literally sat on a fence right now not knowing what the fuck to do or say to anyone. Hang out for hope or accept doom. I hate feeling awkward. I literally wish I could just vanish at times like this. Just cease to exist so I don’t have to deal with it. Just feel like I can’t ever find the perfect balance. Nothing ever goes smoothly. I’m not even being dramatic. If it can go wrong, it does go wrong for me. I feel like life tests me all the time. Fuck my actual life! WAAAAAAAH!

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